Diary of an Unemployed Elitist

December 17, 2006

Graduated with degree in philosophy. Moving home with parents. No job prospects.

January 5, 2007

Living at home with parents. Mom made meatloaf for dinner. I disapprove. Mom informs me I can cook. I relent. Refuse to put ketchup on my meatloaf and feel small vindication.

January 7, 2007

Put my resume on monster and career builder. Got 14 emails from AFLAC. I will kill myself before I cold call. Sales is for the plebes.

January 15, 2007

Unemployment provides certain advantages. Great freedom. Today I woke up at 4pm and ate some cereal. After I wake up I sign on to the internet and hope that something entertaining happens. This is rare.

February 3, 2007

Dad came home early from work and saw me smoking in the backyard. Parents don’t approve. Not smoking is so American.

February 7, 2007

Mom suggested I volunteer if I can’t find a job. After some consideration I conclude that I despise the sick and needy.

February 14, 2007

Did my taxes. AGI of -847 dollars. Applied for job with NY Times. Drank myself to sleep.

February 22, 2007

Thinking about joining a burgeoning revolution in Venezuela. Remembered that I despise bugs, the jungle, and being sticky.

March 1, 2007

Phi Beta Kappa sent me a bumper sticker with the letters ‘PBK’. It’s Greek for ‘I’m smarter than you.’ I put it on the bumper of my minivan. Worried that the plebes won’t know what it means.

March 3, 2007

Took a job as a substitute teacher. The kids write fake notes to get out of class. The ones that stay cheat on their work. Too busy reading Beckett to care.

March 10, 2007

Involuntary celibacy is taking its toll. NY Times rejected me. Hacks. Applied for government job.

April 16, 2007

Got a job with the government. Job search is over.

May 2, 2007

First day of work. Woke up at 7am full of self-loathing. Spent three hours learning about 401k and benefits. Contemplating suicide.

September 7, 2007

Showed up late for work. Tried to sneak past boss but was caught. Made me take vacation time. Still awaiting my first assignment. Spent seven hours reading craigslist ‘Best of’. Drank three beers when I got home and went to bed. Contemplating suicide.

November 1, 2007

Received first work assignment. Involves filing. Tonight’s the night. Goodbye world.