from: David Tompkins
to: Paul Dimaggio, JOHN, eweber
date: Sun, Oct 25, 2015 at 9:04 AM
subject: Piano Man
I found your email addresses on your web sites. We have not spoken in a long time but I heard a song on the radio last night and I believe you fill find it interesting. The song is “Piano Man”.
Do you remember the gentleman who played the piano and sang at the Executive Room in Los Angeles in the 70s? Well it turns out that the lounge singer Billy Martin (he now goes by the name of “Billy Joel”) wrote a song about us.
I read the lyrics and (more…)
After many years of dating, I’ve perfected the first date like an actor that has practiced a role many times and is now very good at it and can do the entire play without thinking about the lines.
Here’s how it goes: we meet at a bar near my apartment, The Charles. That’s the name of the bar, not my apartment (my apartment doesn’t have a name, just a number).
“Hey, how are you?” I ask casually.
“Good! How are you?”
It was July and my husband Tom and I had just arrived in Chicago for our honeymoon. We’re from Ames, Iowa, which is a pretty little city in Iowa. I’d never been to Chicago but my husband had, twice, both for business and he had to stay in a hotel out near O’Hare airport. So while he had technically been to Chicago before, he hadn’t really experience the city in all its fullness. And what an amazing city Chicago is!
Upgrading Your IT Infrastructure
To keep pace with your competitors, you need to replace your entire IT infrastructure every year. This is quite costly and with a recent dip in sales, you’re tempted to access your line of credit in order to pay for the additional investment. A better approach is to go to the apple orchard three miles down the country road next to your office, pick the ripe apples and then sell those apples. Use the proceeds to fund your IT expenditures.
Dear Yale University Admissions Officer,
Let’s dispense with the pleasantries because I have no time to fuck around. You need to admit me. I repeat, you need to admit me to the Yale class of 2018 or there will be blood on your hands.
This story begins nine years ago when my son was born. Fast forward nine years and my son was playing near a river. At the outskirts of town, there’s a river. We live in Illinois. This will be important later. Now some will ask, is it a fast river? Is it a deep river? These are questions that race through every father’s mind.
Excerpted from The Atlantic.
You’re going to hate me for saying this but sometimes I feel like my life is just perfect. I’ve been happily married to my husband John for two years. We have no shortage of friends, I love my family, and we both have satisfying and engaging careers. And yes, I even get along really well with my in-laws.
But lately I find myself asking the same question over and over: do I need to plug in more?
Before meeting John, I always considered myself (more…)
Dear Ms. Harper,
If you’ve followed the news at all this past month then you have no doubt heard of Stephen Hawking’s recent revision to the scientific view of black holes, to wit: event horizons do not exist and quantum theory does have something to say about the matter.
You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? Shame on you Ms. Harper. I anticipated this and so please find enclosed one (1) copy of my 7th grade science class final project: “Black Holes: Too Early to Tell” (with your original marking still intact).
Sue, My Sioux Sushi Sous Chef
by Janis Kneedlepoint (Femme Metalle Books)
Dubbed the Eat, Pray, Love of Native American lesbians, you’ll be inspired by this heartwarming memoir about Kneedlepoint’s torrid affair with a sushi sous chef of Sioux Indian origin, who happened to be named Sue.
Hey baby, how are you? Sorry you’re in a coma. Your parents are outside in the hallway deciding if they want to pull the plug.
Man, I’d love to be a fly on the wall of your brain right now. What is going on in that pretty little head of yours? I can’t believe they shaved your head. I’m assuming the doctors shaved it. Unless you were shaving it in the car and that’s why you crashed.